On Broken Hearts

By just the mere term for it- FALLING in love- you’d know something is bound to be broken.

Voice Prompt: Good evening, you have reached the BROKEN HEART INSURANCE INC.! For information on our exciting products and services, press 1
For information regarding your insurance policy, press 2
For information on how to claim your insurance benefits, press 3

(PRESSED 3)

Voice Prompt: You have chosen 3, on information on how to claim your benefits.
If you are HETEROSEXUAL, press 1
If you are HOMOSEXUAL, press 2 to talk to our flamboyant costumer service representative.

(PRESSED 1)

Voice Prompt: You have pressed 1 for HETEROSEXUAL
If you are a MALE, press 1 to schedule your LIE DETECTION TEST.
If you are a FEMALE, press 2

(PRESSED 2)

Voice Prompt: You have pressed 2 for FEMALE
If you are 15-20 years old, press 1
If you are 20-30 years old, press 2
If you are 30-40 years old, press 3
If you are 40-50 years old, press 4
If you are 50 years old and above, please hang-up and Dial 875-DEAD for our Memorial Plan Packages

(PRESSED 3)

Voice Prompt: You have pressed 3 for 30-40 years old
If this is the 1st time you had your heart broken, press 1
If this is the 2nd to 3rd time you had your heart broken, press 2
If this is the 4th to 6th time you had your heart broken, press 3
If this is the 7th to 10th time you had your heart broken, please hang-up and Dial 875-DEAD for our Memorial Plan Packages

(PRESSED 3)

We are very sorry to inform you that our company cannot grant you your benefits claim for your recent broken heart. Our company believes that to be over 30 years old and have your heart broken more than four times is just unacceptable. If you have questions, regarding this kindly go back to your insurance policy contract and refer to the STUPIDITY CLAUSE.

As for your continuous patronage to our company, kindly accept our parting gift of one Classic Iron Wrought SINGLE Bed that will guarantee you to last a lifetime.

Again, in behalf of the BROKEN HEART INSURANCE, INC, thank you and good day!

You Man!

Being human is human being's life's greatest challenge

The First Man

Dennis has fetish and loved life so much
He wanted to live forever, so decided to do some serious retouch
So he exchanged all his vital organs with some mechanical ones
Because the things that he has now won't give immortality a chance

So he gave his heart to a dying man
And donated his eyes to a blind woman
His kidneys went to a couple of ailing mothers
And so his other organs went to new owners

And finally Dennis had no more organs to trade
Everything in him is now mechanically made
His doctor asked him. " Dennis, are you okay?"
"Do you even regret having made yourself a robot, in a way?"

And Dennis became a bit sad with the doctor's question
And tried looking back at all the series of operations
Remembering all the people he helped, he smiled even more
Because Dennis now felt human, even more than before.

Deadline

DEADline - something you need to beat, to die...

If there was a skipping competition, he would beat anyone in it. He
skipped her mother's birthday, he skipped his birthday celebration, he skipped
his and gf's anniversary, he skipped his dinner, he skipped a night's sleep, he
skipped his doctor's appointment, he skipped his lunch, he skipped his brother's
son graduation, he skipped his bestfriend's wedding, he skipped another night's sleep, he skipped and skipped and skipped every significant moment in his life and every significant moment in the life of people that mattered to him. He skipped everything just to beat the deadline that his boss gave him.
And so, as soon as he turned in his work, he died immediately. And expectedly, his boss skipped his funeral.

An Ode for A Telepath

.....

The Proper Way To Cough

Turn your head away from people, cover your mouth then cough....

Three-year old Justine was getting desperate. He wants to turn his head to the left coz he is on a verge of coughing. But the little game of nose-to-nose kissing with his Mom left him no choice but to suppress it first...

Luckily, his Mom let go of his head and he was able to turn his head, cover his mouth and cough hard. He again pulled on his mom's face and went on doing their little game.

That night, Justine's dad went home very late after having some wasteful cheap sex with a girl she met in a bar. He turned to his wife and started kissing her at the back of her neck. Justine's mom reluctantly turn to her husband and dutifully kissed back....

Now, if only Justine's Dad can learn from Justine....

On Parenthood

I think there will be less street children, when ovaries and testicles or vaginas or penises can only be acquired when you've reached a certain maturity and sense or responsibility

Scene from Department of Human Resources, Reproductive Division....

Young bride: Excuse me, we are interested to acquire a pair of your high quality genitals. You see, me and my husband can't wait to start a family..

Sales Clerk: Very well, ma'am. If you can just fill out this form and hand me the following documents. I can prepare your genitals in 6 months or so.

Young groom: 6 months??!! My, that's way too long! Can't you guys make it faster?

Sales Clerk: I'm sorry sir but you see, we have a long list of applicants and we usually alot a minimum of 6 months to determine if the applicants are really capable of rearing a child.

Young groom: Oh but we are?!! If you can look at my Income Tax Return, you will see that I'm earning enough to give even a dozens of kids a decent future. My wife comes from a good family as well, so there won't really be a problem about financing a kid.

Sales Clerk: I can see that you are really earning well, sir. That's good for you. But you see sir, financial capacity is just one factor, we, in this department, considers. There's emotional stability, parental instincts, commitment issues and loyalty to spouse factors. We don't just give genitals to rich couples. That wouldn't be fair.

Young bride: That's an insane rule! Look at them! (Pointing to a low class couple in the claim window) How can you give a a kid to those two. Can't you see what they are wearing? They aren't even signature clothes and look at their shoes.It's SO yesterday.

Sales Clerk: Ma'am that couple may not be a sight to see for you, but those couple have been happily married for 9 years. The wife works as a teacher and the man runs a small bakery in this town. The two has been volunteering their free time to help kids with special needs in one of the shelter for kids in the next town. And they waited for nine long years to save up for a kid and to make sure that he will have a good education and a good home. Now, if you think that their worn out clothes is a liability, then I guess I just have to tell you to come back here when you've finally seen things in a different light...

The young couple went home with the new bride still without an ovary and the new groom still without some balls.

The Test of Loyalty

The test of loyalty is composed of a question answerable by "yes or no" and not by a multiple choice.

He was devastated. The love he knew left him."

"How could she just left me that way?" he asked.
He loved her with all his heart. He dedicated poems for her. Shed tears to things that reminded him of her. He bridged the geographical distance that kept them apart. Yet, she left him.

Wiping his tears and gathering all his strength, he made one final click to his mobile phone and with one touch, all of her contact information was erased.

He felt so brave, yet so sad... So he decided to make things better for himself and dialled a different number in his cellphone.

" Hi honey. I miss you. How was your day?...Oh nothing's wrong...I just miss you, that's all..."

On Dieting

Is die-ting a pun or just an another term for suicide?

The trouble with goodbyes...

Why is goodbye with the word Good when it is the hardest thing to do?

No Perfect Ending
by Cul

You may try to hold her hand
But she'll never understand
Why you have to leave her behind

You may tell her it will be okay,
She'll never believe you anyway
All she wants is for you to stay

Refrain
She may even try to smile
For awhile
But you'll know she's pretending..

Chorus:
There's no perfect ending
To a shattered dream and broken heart
To a love that was just torn apart
There's no perfect ending
Coz no matter what you'll do,
It will only mean you found someone new....

You may try to help her ease the pain
But nothing will change
When you leave her nothing remains..

Refrain:
She may even try to hide
The tears inside
But you'll know she's hurting..

(Repeat Chorus)

On death

Isn't it weird when we address a dead person.."The Late Mr. So and So"...when in fact, he went ahead of everyone?

Chicken, pigs, etc

I think the greatest reason why human try so hard to train their pets to do things that human can do, is because human has already perfected training themselves to be animals...

On Faith

If you believe that God does not exist...then how come you talk about Him?

Wo-man!

WOMAN= W/O MAN

Adam was sad. God gave him everything he could imagine but still, he was so sad. He wanted to talk to someone so badly. He wanted to share all these wonderful gifts with someone. He felt so empty and alone. He wanted to ask God to make him another one like him, but he thought it would be too selfish of him to ask for more.

But God, being the all-knowing that He is, understood Adam and plucked one of his rib.
"Ouch, that hurts a lot!", complained Adam.
God in His mighty trascending voice replied, " I took one of your rib so that with the pain, you'll never forget how bad you needed someone. That you should always take good care of this gift, for this creature has a part of yourself"

And with one stroke of hand, a beautiful creature appeared before Adam. Adam was so happy that he forgot to thank God with this wonderful gift. His hormones instantly went wild seeing the captivating body of this new creature before him. He immediately led her in one of the dark hidden places in paradise and passionately made love to her. It is there in that evening, amidst his moanings, that Adam felt the need to shout the creature's name. But she didn't have a name. So Adam named the creature, Eve.

Weeks passed and Adam got tired of making love to Eve. He also got so tired of Eve's non-stop need to talk. He wandered off and asked her to keep their home neat and clean while he's out. Adam got so engrossed with hunting and swimming and never came back to their home for a long time.

Meanwhile, Eve boredom suddenly grew. She wanted someone to talk to. So, she decided to look for Adam. Unfortunately, she landed on the restricted area in the paradise. It is here where she saw an apple tree with a talking snake. She was so happy to find someone to whom she can talk to again. So happy, that she even agreed to eat one of the fruits in the forbidden tree.

As soon as Eve took a bite from the fruit, an alarm went off all over paradise that caught the attention of Adam, who was fighting with one of the lions. He started running to find Eve. And when he saw her, God was already there, talking to Eve.

Adam got a bit apprehensive upon seeing God. "Where were you, Adam?" God calmly asked Adam. "Didn't I tell you to take care of this gift very well?"

Adam said in a very scared voice. "I just went out for a walk, God. Eve and I are spending way too much time with each other. I thought, we both could use some space."

"Some space?" God asked. "Didn't I give you an infinite space before, yet, you asked for someone to share it with?"

Adam knew God was right and he was so embarrased of what has transpired.

"Adam, do you want me to take Eve away from you?", Asked God.

Adam wasn't really certain about his answer. But he remembered the passionate and happy times that he had with Eve. So he replied, "No God, please don't take Eve away from me. I promise to take care of her from now on."

God nodded and turned to Eve and asked, "Eve, would you want to stay with Adam?"

Eve, surprised, that God asked her about her opinion, stammered and ask. "Ahhh...errr....Can I keep the talking snake, God?"

God nodded.."Yes, you may do so, Eve."

And with that permission from God, Eve's face brightened up and walked towards Adam. "It was nice knowing you Adam."

Adam never saw Eve again. And because Eve has one of his ribs, Adam felt even more incomplete for the rest of his life.

Love

Is a word composed of two vowels, two consonants and two fools...

On Politics

Do you think there will be any politicians left in the Philippines if God will make the time of death directly proportional to the amount of wealth a person should have?