On Broken Hearts

By just the mere term for it- FALLING in love- you’d know something is bound to be broken.

Voice Prompt: Good evening, you have reached the BROKEN HEART INSURANCE INC.! For information on our exciting products and services, press 1
For information regarding your insurance policy, press 2
For information on how to claim your insurance benefits, press 3

(PRESSED 3)

Voice Prompt: You have chosen 3, on information on how to claim your benefits.
If you are HETEROSEXUAL, press 1
If you are HOMOSEXUAL, press 2 to talk to our flamboyant costumer service representative.

(PRESSED 1)

Voice Prompt: You have pressed 1 for HETEROSEXUAL
If you are a MALE, press 1 to schedule your LIE DETECTION TEST.
If you are a FEMALE, press 2

(PRESSED 2)

Voice Prompt: You have pressed 2 for FEMALE
If you are 15-20 years old, press 1
If you are 20-30 years old, press 2
If you are 30-40 years old, press 3
If you are 40-50 years old, press 4
If you are 50 years old and above, please hang-up and Dial 875-DEAD for our Memorial Plan Packages

(PRESSED 3)

Voice Prompt: You have pressed 3 for 30-40 years old
If this is the 1st time you had your heart broken, press 1
If this is the 2nd to 3rd time you had your heart broken, press 2
If this is the 4th to 6th time you had your heart broken, press 3
If this is the 7th to 10th time you had your heart broken, please hang-up and Dial 875-DEAD for our Memorial Plan Packages

(PRESSED 3)

We are very sorry to inform you that our company cannot grant you your benefits claim for your recent broken heart. Our company believes that to be over 30 years old and have your heart broken more than four times is just unacceptable. If you have questions, regarding this kindly go back to your insurance policy contract and refer to the STUPIDITY CLAUSE.

As for your continuous patronage to our company, kindly accept our parting gift of one Classic Iron Wrought SINGLE Bed that will guarantee you to last a lifetime.

Again, in behalf of the BROKEN HEART INSURANCE, INC, thank you and good day!